She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
