and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
