proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
