Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
