I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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