party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
They have beer where we have blood.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
