Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
