I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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