Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
