I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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