Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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