I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
