I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
