Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
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I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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