Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
