I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
