It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I got inside last night via doggy door
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
