I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
