I cockslap morals
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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