soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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