So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Randomize
