He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
