I wish I could teleport
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We're too hungover to prance.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
