She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
We had to coat check the pizza.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
