I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
