Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
