it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
