Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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