just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
