At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
