mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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