no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
