I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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