i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Damn victory sex feels great
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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