sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
