i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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