he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
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Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
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My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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