My hand turned me down
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
