hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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