this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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