i think my tv is drunk
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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