my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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