you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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