can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
