i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
