I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
