i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
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Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
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Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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