Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
