so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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