Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
