At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
