I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
